I would have followed your lead anywhere. I followed you far enough into hell to know neither you, your “vision” nor your healthcare system are worth my sanity, my health, or my life.  Here are some quotes from your “leaders.”

You’re lucky you’re here.
Don’t you have a mortgage and kids to worry about?
You’ll never find another job.
No one will pay you what we pay you.
Our standards might be too much for you.
This is they way things are.
Your idea of being a high achiever is flawed.
No one else is complaining.
Patient satisfaction is everything.
Maybe you shouldn’t be a nurse.
It’s you.
—All lies.

It took me years to stop believing them. It will take another lifetime to heal the scars.

More things managers say to beat the life force from their staff:
We don’t give references to jobs outside of our own system.
You are replaceable.

Hearing from people who still work at the abusive corporate headquarters of the Deathstar Healthcare, Inc. makes me realize how lucky I am to have gotten out alive, how terrified people are who are still there, how insidiously evil corporate medicine has become.  My personal and spiritual crisis peaked when I walked.  My healing began when I took a risk and left everything I ever knew and experienced as a nurse. 21 years of my life in a system that says “everyone is replaceable.” May that same system also be replaced as the people who helped build it walk out, away from the raze and burn mentality of robot mafia medicine.

If you think you matter as a hospital “professional” of any kind, you’re one patient survey score, one wrong opinion voiced, one missed chart check away from finding out you don’t. People are dying in and because of hospitals all the time. I guarantee you these days, most aren’t patients.

When I am told I need to do busy work instead of holding hands and hearing stories from my patients who have no one else to hear them just  so “executive leadership” can prove the numbers to get their bonuses, then I am a basically a prostitute and my director is a my pimp. There is no health or care in healthcare.  There is no healing. There are only profit margins and bean counters and “profit before patients” mentality.

Those who point this out, the whistleblowers who refuse to lose their souls because healing is their calling, they are shamed into submission. PTSD is real in the hospital. And it’s not just the patients that suffer from it.

When I started nursing, I thought I was walking into a temple to find Jesus. Turns out I ended up on an evangelical  TV set with Jimmy Swaggart’s hand up my ass.  I simultaneously lost my faith and my profession over the past few years. At least I got out before I lost my soul.

I spent 21 years of my life thinking I was married for life to my employer. Much to my horror, I realized over the past few years  I was never considered a “wife.” I was always just a whore.

Since leaving I am now:

Off 3 cardiac medications
Off 2 psychiatric medications needed for a medical diagnosis of PTSD secondary to caregiver fatigue secondary to a health system that no longer gives a shit about humanity on either side of the stethoscope.


Former Hospital X cult member and kool-aid drinker
Former patient
And now–
Advocate for abused and burned out providers and healers.

No longer corporate ID 128349

I have a NAME:

Bedpan Betty, RN